It gets lonely
Warning 1 - epic wall of text coming up
Warning 2 - quite a few of you will definitely not understand all of this
***
8th October - Commercial Performance class first assessment; recording for Negotiated Project EP
9th October - 2 more performances in college; presentation on analysis of some MJ songs (got 2 days to come up with the BS to talk about); practice for Saturday gig
10th October - Tribute rehearsal, 1-6pm; Urbanattic gig, 10pm
- in between: more recordings, more performances, more rehearsals, more gigs -
20th October - First lesson with Marcel; first 'proper' clarinet lesson for quite a long while. Help.
24th October - MJ Tribute concert. Beyond help.
Let's not go into November yet.
***
So apparently I'm doing fine here in KL. Yeah some projects could have been started earlier, as usual things are starting to heat up as it nears the end of the semester. I've finally managed to get some sort of balance between income and expenditure, the good gigs are all on the way, and hopefully somebody big out there will like the EP (assuming that the college doesn't claim any copyright... Let's not go there either).
***
Yet in the midst of all this hustle and bustle, suddenly you just stop and realize that it's you, only you, alone.
***
So I started thinking about how much I've changed in the past 2 years. 2007 seems so far away, yet just barely 2 years ago I was on top of my world, looking forward to a new life pursuing my dream of becoming a fine jazz musician. I can honestly say I wasn't dreading the thought of leaving home, instead I really was excited to start a new chapter in my life. Bye bye St Joseph, no more Physics and Chem and Add Math, just my passion for music. So I ended up in some music college in KL.
And boy, did I step on some toes in while embracing my new life. Suddenly, it was Kuching no more. And suddenly, the whole cycle of me in a new place started all over again. I always had this bad habit of not making the best first impressions on people, I thought I got over it once high school ended but then again, looking back on those first few months in KL, how wrong was I.
Long story short, there was a point when David Ling realized that David Ling wasn't really a nice guy; rather, David Ling was this obnoxious, arrogant jerk who was too proud to realize it himself. And then he started to wonder if all the while, most of his friends just tolerated his behaviour or were too nice to tell him the truth.
(Disclaimer: I am not referring to anybody in particular here, just voicing out my thoughts. I do appreciate all my good friends and all the stuff they put up with)
That basically was a huge defining point of my life. And so in a way, I could say that 2008 was the transition period where David Ling tried his best not to be an obnoxious arrogant jerk. And yes I dare say I have toned down/matured somewhat, but somewhere along the way I lost some of the spontaneity and carefree attitude that I had enjoyed. But then, it was a long road coming here, and strictly speaking I should keep my eyes looking forward all the time.
Things don't work like that.
***
It's been just 2 years. Yet it's funny how you remember things. Especially the small details.
***
And yet, I have not yet come to the reason why I suddenly decided to write all this. So anyway, yesterday (or 9 hours ago - my boundaries of time have been rather stretched lately) I read through some of those emails from approximately 2 years ago (among other things), and I was pretty shaken by how insensitive I was back then towards the feelings of others. And then I started thinking about how bad I was at 'reading between the lines' and taking too many things for granted. And then, not for the first time, there was this wave of guilt and I was left wondering, not for the first time, how I could have been such an a*****e without realizing it. But then, yesterday, for the first time, I realized that what they had wanted was actually the best thing I could have given them, and yet they never got it because I was too stupid and self-centered to think about it.
Stop looking for hidden messages.
Yes, time heals all wounds, even the biggest ones, and I have had my fair share of wounds with other people healed over time, yet there is this gnawing feeling deep inside me that I have not properly taken care of the wound caused by my own immature actions in the past, and it has adversely affected me when it comes to certain approaches with other people (let's not go there either).
***
2 years since I've been with someone. 2 years on my own. Yet I still remember many many things.
The good memories, the precious few good ones, always bring about a wistful smile.
Been a while since I've felt the magic.
***
It is 6:22am. Normal service resumes in a few hours. I've rambled on for enough, and my tired mind asks for rest. Funny how I manage to write all this.
And maybe I should look forward to brighter days. Or at least try.
Sometimes, it really sucks, being lonely. 2 years. Everyone else, but me.
Warning 2 - quite a few of you will definitely not understand all of this
***
8th October - Commercial Performance class first assessment; recording for Negotiated Project EP
9th October - 2 more performances in college; presentation on analysis of some MJ songs (got 2 days to come up with the BS to talk about); practice for Saturday gig
10th October - Tribute rehearsal, 1-6pm; Urbanattic gig, 10pm
- in between: more recordings, more performances, more rehearsals, more gigs -
20th October - First lesson with Marcel; first 'proper' clarinet lesson for quite a long while. Help.
24th October - MJ Tribute concert. Beyond help.
Let's not go into November yet.
***
So apparently I'm doing fine here in KL. Yeah some projects could have been started earlier, as usual things are starting to heat up as it nears the end of the semester. I've finally managed to get some sort of balance between income and expenditure, the good gigs are all on the way, and hopefully somebody big out there will like the EP (assuming that the college doesn't claim any copyright... Let's not go there either).
***
Yet in the midst of all this hustle and bustle, suddenly you just stop and realize that it's you, only you, alone.
***
So I started thinking about how much I've changed in the past 2 years. 2007 seems so far away, yet just barely 2 years ago I was on top of my world, looking forward to a new life pursuing my dream of becoming a fine jazz musician. I can honestly say I wasn't dreading the thought of leaving home, instead I really was excited to start a new chapter in my life. Bye bye St Joseph, no more Physics and Chem and Add Math, just my passion for music. So I ended up in some music college in KL.
And boy, did I step on some toes in while embracing my new life. Suddenly, it was Kuching no more. And suddenly, the whole cycle of me in a new place started all over again. I always had this bad habit of not making the best first impressions on people, I thought I got over it once high school ended but then again, looking back on those first few months in KL, how wrong was I.
Long story short, there was a point when David Ling realized that David Ling wasn't really a nice guy; rather, David Ling was this obnoxious, arrogant jerk who was too proud to realize it himself. And then he started to wonder if all the while, most of his friends just tolerated his behaviour or were too nice to tell him the truth.
(Disclaimer: I am not referring to anybody in particular here, just voicing out my thoughts. I do appreciate all my good friends and all the stuff they put up with)
That basically was a huge defining point of my life. And so in a way, I could say that 2008 was the transition period where David Ling tried his best not to be an obnoxious arrogant jerk. And yes I dare say I have toned down/matured somewhat, but somewhere along the way I lost some of the spontaneity and carefree attitude that I had enjoyed. But then, it was a long road coming here, and strictly speaking I should keep my eyes looking forward all the time.
Things don't work like that.
***
It's been just 2 years. Yet it's funny how you remember things. Especially the small details.
***
And yet, I have not yet come to the reason why I suddenly decided to write all this. So anyway, yesterday (or 9 hours ago - my boundaries of time have been rather stretched lately) I read through some of those emails from approximately 2 years ago (among other things), and I was pretty shaken by how insensitive I was back then towards the feelings of others. And then I started thinking about how bad I was at 'reading between the lines' and taking too many things for granted. And then, not for the first time, there was this wave of guilt and I was left wondering, not for the first time, how I could have been such an a*****e without realizing it. But then, yesterday, for the first time, I realized that what they had wanted was actually the best thing I could have given them, and yet they never got it because I was too stupid and self-centered to think about it.
Stop looking for hidden messages.
Yes, time heals all wounds, even the biggest ones, and I have had my fair share of wounds with other people healed over time, yet there is this gnawing feeling deep inside me that I have not properly taken care of the wound caused by my own immature actions in the past, and it has adversely affected me when it comes to certain approaches with other people (let's not go there either).
***
2 years since I've been with someone. 2 years on my own. Yet I still remember many many things.
The good memories, the precious few good ones, always bring about a wistful smile.
Been a while since I've felt the magic.
***
It is 6:22am. Normal service resumes in a few hours. I've rambled on for enough, and my tired mind asks for rest. Funny how I manage to write all this.
And maybe I should look forward to brighter days. Or at least try.
Sometimes, it really sucks, being lonely. 2 years. Everyone else, but me.
Really enjoyed reading this one, David. No worries, you'll have your day eventually.
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heh was emo-ing quite a lot that night. if there's anything like male PMS then i suppose this is it.
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Gosh, David! Very well said =) When we all look back, we see how God was always there in everything and He truly works things out for good, eh =)! All the best and take care.
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Nice goin', David. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. So proud of you.
Things can only get better, and more blessings (even though one may not realize them at first) along the way. So keep up the good work. Hope to catch up with you during my break back in KL.
Later.
JC
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