The light touches. Caresses. The gradual contact, ever so slight, which grows. The physical connection. The so-called 'inflamed passion'. The chemical overdose to your brain. The increased blood flow.

You reach a high. Especially the first, second time. Especially in the first few weeks. It's like a ride you never want to get off, never want to end. You long for it when you are alone at night. You are unable to sleep, those memories keeping you awake. And you want more. You want to experience the same highs. You want to go further, faster, higher.

But it takes more. Suddenly, what was sufficient the first time hardly has any effect. But you don't want to give up. You want to 'explore'. But most of all, you want to reach that high. But when you climb a mountain, eventually you reach the top. When you go jungle-trekking, you reach the end of the trail. Even if you take the train and start at Gombak, you will end up at Kelana Jaya. And after so much 'exploring', searching for that high that is increasingly more difficult to attain, you reach the point.

Then, what do you do?

If you've reached that point, then sadly it's almost too late. It never ends well after that. Too many connections. Too many bonds. Not the right time. And when it's all over, it hurts. Just like roti kahwin, you can't separate the margerine from the kaya once they put the two pieces together.

It hurts.

The further you go, the more the pain.

Which makes me wonder, is it all worth it?

***

I'm through. I don't want any silly-touchy-high school 'exploration'. I don't want empty words, feelings, promises. I don't want insincere gestures.

I want the real thing.




Edit 24/10: I don't think I'm ready anyway.