3 years down the road, and I think I've come a long way. But there is always this sense of unfulfilled potential, that I could be so much more than what I am now. So many 'what if...' and 'if only...' situations. This year I'll be 21, and time is slowly running out. Having all the potential in the world is pointless if it just remains as 'potential'. I don't want to be the guy who 'looked so promising when he was young' but ended up nowhere later in life.

But there will always be someone who is a better improviser, someone who's a better clarinetist, someone who's a better keyboardist/pianist, someone with better saxophone tone, someone who writes better string quartets, someone who has done killin' arrangements.

It's depressing.

What's the point of being the best of something average? Maybe I need something to spur me on, to challenge my musical ego. Sometimes I wish there were more horn players around in college, more people with the same passion for the things I do. And maybe a bit less of the ones who complain only.

Ah. How I wish every day was Jazz Camp. Better getting my ass kicked daily then have it sit around rotting away.

But what's the point. Everybody has their own opinions, thoughts, grievances. We can choose to tell the whole world about it, or just keep it to ourselves. And sometimes, it's easy to say things about a situation before knowing exactly what is going on.

I may have a pretty loose tongue, but maybe not this time.

We will wait and see.

***

These guys have a lot to say too.

It sucks when you go to sleep early because you have class at 9am the next day, then wake up at 1am and realise you're fully awake and can't go back to sleep.

So much for 'good sleeping habits'. Looks like I lasted 19 days.

So I just have 3 classes this semester. But for those 3 classes, I have to:

1. Compose original music for 3 visual media clips - commercial, film, multimedia (video game, flash etc)
2. Arrange and score music for a vocal group of 4-12 vocalists.
3. Do a multi-track recording (minimum 16 tracks) and mix a separate pre-approved multi-track session.

This is gonna be fun (as long as I don't start two weeks before project submission day).

And at least all my lecturers this semester are really good and know their stuff.

You lie down at night with the lights off, trying to sleep. You can't. So you open your eyes and stare blankly into space. And then, you start thinking. It's then you realize, that there is an emptiness. An emptiness coming straight from that hole, which can't simply be filled with money, relationships, friends, material possession, achievements.

But you wonder why all this while you've been trying to fill the hole with those things.

I just noticed that I posted the last entry on Christmas. So for the first time in my life I spent my Christmas away from Kuching, away from family and old friends. I'm not sure if it's something I want to do again, but I have a feeling that this is gonna a regular occurrence in the future. Sigh.

The I-Miss-Camp bug bit me again this afternoon. I keep logging on to Facebook just to look for pictures and updates from friends, to smile at the crazy photos we took etc etc. And today when I went for my jazz camp, my friend parked his car at the carpark near Darby Park, the one which we always walked through every morning on our way to DFP. And then of course I walked down that familiar path through the KLCC park again. And when we had our lunch break it just felt funny, going for lunch again at KLCC, trying to find a place to sit at the food court. I just don't know how to explain it; everything was so familiar yet so different.

For all that I wrote/complained about in my last post, I realised that I actually miss a lot about camp, especially the company of friends and all the time we spent together. If only things could be like the past, where we could put aside our differences/reservations/opinions, and just get along together as one big group. As the Tribe. But then again, as I mentioned before, times have changed. I guess we all know each other a little too well now.

But it's alright, next camp, I'm gonna try make things work for everyone. I'll see how long I'll last.

***

Ah, back to reality. I've got to go to One Utama pretty soon for yet another Christmas gig. And then it's more practice in preparation for tomorrow's camp sessions.

When all of this is over, I'm gonna take a really long nap.

So I spent nearly 2 weeks rehearsing/on tour with the MPYO, performing in Singapore and KL. I get two days off for Christmas, then it's back to DFP from the 26th to the 30th, this time for the first ever MPO Jazz Camp.

    "As many of you already know, the participation to this camp is on an invitation-only basis. You were recommended by trusted musicians that considered you to be a great asset to this project."

Hahaha. I have a feeling I'm seriously gonna get my ass kicked.

***

I want to talk about camp. I have so much to say. But then again, what's the point. You've made up your mind already, so I'd just be wasting my breath. I'd probably come to a more amicable understanding arguing with a brick wall.

Apparently I'm very good at words and convincing others. Hmm, that's very rich, coming from certain quarters. It ain't December 2007 you know.

Apparently I also have ulterior motives whenever I say/do/plan something seemingly innocuous.
- When I want to stay the night on our day off, I actually have 'other' intentions in mind.
- When I want to go out and have a drink, I actually want to get other people drunk so I can blackmail them.
- When I say 'Hello, how are you?', I actually mean 'Hey I'm being really nice to you, do you want to be my gf?'

It's ironic that I actually planned to have a drama-free camp and to try my best to avoid any awkward situations from arising, both for myself and for other people. Don't think that I did not notice things going on here and there. I could have said a lot of things in the first few days and made things much more interesting, and maybe 1 or 2 years ago I would have, but this camp I respected your privacy and I trusted that we were all old enough to keep our opinions to ourselves.

I was wrong.

Well I guess even if David Ling tries to avoid drama/confrontations/Cold War, other people willingly create drama/confrontations/Cold War for David Ling. Ah well, I'm resigned to my fate then.

(Of course you don't have to believe a single word of the above)

***

I want to talk about camp. I have so much to say. It was great playing with so many other talented musicians, and I guess we all have reached a point where we have mutual respect for each others' talents and abilities.

It's funny that not so long ago, I'd have this feeling that maybe some of the other MPYO members sort of 'looked down' on me because I wasn't a pure, 100% classical musician. Maybe it was just me. But not any more. Even within my clarinet section, we have a good thing going on between all 4 of us and we are getting along well.

And of course, there's the Tribe. I guess with so many people gone and a number of new faces, things were never going to be the same. It doesn't help that we only see each other every 3 months, and when we do meet up for camps, those one/two weeks are so intense. The secret is probably keeping ourselves grounded in reality and not getting to carried away with the emotions and experiences during the camps. Our real lives are what we go through between the camps, and there isn't much point in creating a huge emotional bubble only for it to burst after each camp ends. And I can relate that to why I do not want to make the same mistake of getting attached to someone during our camps, but it is probably beyond my capacity to explain it sufficiently, and some people would just take it with a pinch of salt anyway.

Please tell me someone actually understood the above paragraph.

And can I be so optimistic as to think that in the future, when we look back at all this, we only remember the good things?

***

Dylan, I'm falling sick. I think it's from you. Not your fault though. Better sick than not having you around on the last night of camp haha.

18th October 2009




20th December 2009


Ho ho ho my keyboard-borrowing days are over.

Now reeds. Optimally, you’ll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you’re just a “weekend warrior” however, you can get by with store-bought.

First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds.
Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of 17 weeks.

Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy.

Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper.

Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked.

Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing alcohol.

Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles.

You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.

***

From the 'How To Play The Saxophone' at Pete Thomas's site. The link is in the sidebar if you wanna check it out.